As a segway to the previous blog, “Forgiveness”, I felt that this topic was equally important. Receiving an authentic apology helps a lot in forgiveness and healing. Forgiveness is from the perspective of you forgiving the person who hurt you. This topic is about the person who does the hurting, and the process of going to the other person to make things right.
Have you ever had an argument with a friend or someone who is special in your life? When you try to make things right, they just look at you, roll their eyes, then walk away. Are you sincerely apologizing to the other person, but they are still mad at you? What if the person who is trying to apologize to you says the words, but it doesn’t feel sincere at all. In fact, you know they will just do it again. How about when you say I’m sorry, the other person is walking away, then you say, “Well, I apologized so that’s on them! I came to the table first, but they don’t want to meet me halfway.” Don’t confuse saying I’m sorry with trying to apologize. Let’s look at the true meaning of an apology vs saying I’m sorry.
Saying I’m sorry is not a real apology. The word sorry comes from the word sorrow which is an emotional state of being. When you say I’m sorry to a person, technically you are only saying that you “emotionally” feel the same as they feel. You are not saying that you were wrong. Let’s say for example that a small child falls and hurts their knee, and they immediately start crying. The mother comes outside, sees her child crying and asks what happened? The child says they were running, tripped, and fell. The mother says, “Awe, I’m sorry. It’s going to be ok.” Question. Did the mother cause the child to fall? No. But the mother is still saying I’m sorry. Why? Because there was a time a long ago when the mother was a child and she remembers falling down, and she remembers the pain of the fall. Saying I’m sorry is letting her child know that she understands what the pain feels like. But remember, the mother was nowhere near the child to cause the fall. Human beings want and need companionship. We don’t want to feel alone. Why do we talk to our closest friends? Because when we go through tough emotional struggles, we want someone to be our emotional support. We don’t want to feel alone. That’s when you hear your friend say, “Girl I’m so sorry. I know how you feel!”
Saying I’m sorry is not an admission of guilt or wrong doing in any area. It is just saying I emotionally feel the same as you.
An apology is admitting that you were wrong. It is saying that I was wrong for doing this or that to you. This is probably the hardest for anyone to do because we hate being wrong. Sometimes your pride will prevent you from apologizing. Pride will keep you from acknowledging that you did anything wrong. Did you know God hates pride. Pride is one of the seven things that God hates (see Proverbs 6:17). It was Lucifer’s pride that got him kicked out of heaven. Pride only focuses on yourself and your self-interests. Pride doesn’t care about the other person.
Have you ever said I’m sorry to the other person and they say, “Oh? Tell me why you are sorry?” This is very, very important because you must understand what they are really saying. They are asking you to tell them “what” you did wrong. They are asking you to clearly say all the things that you did wrong. If you feel emotionally bad about this situation, and they fully know that “you” were the cause of what went wrong, they just want you to acknowledge that you caused it. That is the starting point of healing. But if you are just saying “I’m sorry…”, you are not admitting that you did anything wrong. Which is probably why the other person is still mad at you. And don’t be stupid and yell back at the person saying, “What? I said I was sorry!” while they are walking away from you!
It takes practice to break away from the habit of saying, “I’m sorry” all the time. You need to pray and ask God to show “you” where you were wrong. Don’t go to God thinking that you are right saying, “Lord, IF I was wrong…” The Bible says to humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up. It is better to say, “Lord, I truly want to make things right. I honestly cannot see the errors of my ways and I need your help to reveal them to me. Give me the strength to change and go to the other person to make things right.” When you go to the other person to apologize, here is something you can say:
I need your full attention. I need to apologize to you for what I did and what I said. I was completely wrong and should not have done and said those things to you. I have prayed for God’s help to change me in that area and be a better person to you. Thank you for listening to me and I pray that you find in your heart to forgive me.
After you say that, BE QUIET! You may not hear the other person say, I forgive you. You may get cursed out and see them walk away from you. They may replay the whole situation of what YOU did. Sit there, BE QUIET, and listen with your heart. Be determined not to make the same mistake again. If you truly value the other person, then make it a priority! Don’t try to do it on your own strength. Ask God to help you be committed in being and doing the right thing towards the other person.
An apology is not just words. It is a change in behavior. What is the point in just saying the words only to repeat the wrong again at some point in the future? That is why saying I’m sorry is just centered around emotions. Emotions come and go like the weather. An apology requires a behavioral change. It is long term.
So, I say again, ask God to help you be committed in being and doing the right thing towards the other person. If you truly value the other person and you truly want to apologize the right way, then make it a priority to acknowledge what you did wrong, make it a priority to change your behavior! Make it a priority! Make it a priority!
Ron Cobbs Ministries © December 27th, 2023, All Rights Reserved
Very well said Ron! I’m really enjoying these “Timely ” blogs and God is definitely using you to break these things down.